Silence

My world stopped turning today, or at least slowed down.  John and I are no longer TTC.  I decided to quit my pills last month instead of taking the last month before starting CLomid.  I wanted at least a chance for us to conceive on our own...just because I wanted both my babies to be "natural" conceptions.  But now tomorrow, I will call to refill my birth control prescription and I will call to cancel my ultrasound, pelvic and other tests I had scheduled to start my Clomid...on New Year's Day.  A new start to a new year...a new hope for a new beginning..a. chance at a new life joining our family.  But now....now it will be a year with just the 3 of us...and a continuance at our 25% success rate at pregnancy.

We are planning to move home this summer, and when that happens, John may get a new job, so he wants us to wait and see what happens.  Wait and see...wait and see....the story of my life it seems.  So now we are postponing the chance at conception for another year.  Add to that the possibility of another 41 months, like it took us to conceive Charlee, and she will be well into kindergarten before I conceive...an age difference that I DO NOT WANT.  I've always wanted my kids close together, so that they at least MIGHT be better together than Katie and I were. :)

We've always discussed that if a second child didn't come in a more timely fashion than Charlee, we probably wouldn't have one.  So, I guess that's an option that I have to heavily consider now...something I never thought I would. 

So, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight and then hug my Charlee-Bear a little tighter tomorrow, and give her an extra kiss and snuggle, and spoil her a little extra.  She is my whole world, held up higher than anyone else in my life, forever and more....and if she is the only child that I get in this lifetime, she is more than enough.

How Time Flies

It's hard to believe it's almost another Christmas...almost the end of another year!
December 17 it will be 6 months since we found out I was carrying another baby.  Last week it was 4 months since we miscarried that baby.  I can't believe it's already been so long.
John and I decided not to do the Clomid yet.  It still makes me too nervous about the unknown factors.  I already have several large cysts on my uterus and ovaries, and Clomid has a very high risk of fast-growing cysts, the reason why I will have to have a monthly ultrasound while I'm on the drug.  If they could guarantee that I would get pregnant again, I would be willing to take the risk, but they can't. 
So, John and I are going to TTC naturally for about 6 months or so.  We are going back to the charting and temping and all that stuff.  If we don't conceive by this summer, then we will go back to the OB/GYN and start the Clomid, but for now, we're just hoping it works itself out.
If we conceived this cycle, we will find out 2 days before Christmas, which would make this one of the best Christmases ever!! But, if/when we do conceive again, we're not announcing it to anyone until after I see a doctor...that way there are no more "public" miscarriages.  This is the only ones our parents have known about it, and that made it even harder.  Hearing my mom burst into sobs on the phone when I called her as we were leaving the doctor's office was one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't want to do it again if at all possible!

Yay for Shutterfly!!!

Shutterfly is running a promo this year that bloggers who participate get 50 free holiday cards. I'm so excited!!
I love using Shutterfly for all our photos, and those of you that know me....and my addiction to pictures of my baby girl...know that that's a lot of pictures.  They always run lots of promotions, and I usually end up getting free pics or free shipping...or BOTH!  Plus, it makes it handy, you don't have to get out to go pick up pictures and I usually ship it in Charlee's name.

She's already learning the joys of online shopping...packages in the mail!!! And like Beth Ann said in her post.....getting mail is always exciting, whether you know it's coming or not :)

It's that wonderful time of the year....weather is getting cooler, and every store you go in is already blaring the Christmas carols...which means it's time to start in on the Christmas cards.  I've found quite a few from Snapfish that I plan on getting this year...which is your favorite?

I love the black background with bright color accents on this one
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-kaleidoscope-holiday-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

This is the style we got last year, and it was a big hit with the family <3
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards/goody-garland-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

And I like this one for a little more "simplistic" design!!
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/gorgeous-gift-tag-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93495

So, head on over to the promo and check it out!!!

After our miscarriage, I thought I had told all my friends. All my family knew, so I figured that most people did. Unfortunately, I found out this weekend that that is NOT the case :(

Last Thursday, we went home to help Nana with her yard sale. Friday morning I woke up in PURE AGONY. Went to the doctor, who gave me a pain shot and sent me to the hospital to have a scan done. Turns out I have kidney stones....well, one BIG one to be exact...so they admitted me. I was there a little over 24 hours, being pumped full of fluids and pain killers, trying to pass the stupid thing, but it didn't work, so they let me go on home.

Since the stone didn't come out, I decided to spend the week with Mom so I had help with Charlee. John came on back home for work, and Charlee, Mimi and I spent the week with Mom and Dad. Everywhere it went, it seemed like there was someone I knew....and 99% of them were people whom I haven't seen since we announced we were pregnant. So.....they all took one look at my belly, and then another look, and then a third, before shooting me a questioning glance.

Not only did I have the pain of my kidney stones, but then on top of it, I had to go through explaining about our miscarriage at least a half dozen times. I'm exhausted, and all I want to do is live in a bubble where things like that don't happen, and every thing goes on happily ever after.

10/15- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

We have a 2 year old, but we should also have a 5 year old and a 4 year old.  We would've been 21 weeks pregnant today.  On this "remembrance" day, I think of the fact I have far more angel babies than real ones.  I wonder why we were chosen to bear this grief in our lives...always wondering what went wrong, and why.  We should have a houseful of babies, and we have just the one.  Don't get me wrong...our one princess is a beautiful, wonderful miracle, but the "what could be" still lingers every day...especially today, on a day MEANT to bring up the memories.

I know that my babies are up in Heaven, and will be waiting for me when my time comes.  I can't wait to hold them, and let them know that even thought we never got to meet, they have always been my babies and always have and always will hold a very special place in my heart.

Some news

We had our follow-up appointment on Friday to get the results back from the blood work my NP ordered three weeks ago.  They checked my hormone levels, thyroid and a few other things.  Since the tests were for "fertility" reasons, I had to see the actual OB this time instead of the NP I've seen ever since I came to this office.
He walked in the room and told me my blood work was all normal and then let it drop.  I jumped up and told him NO, we were getting some answers...I've waited a month for this dang appointment, he's not going to tell me everything is fine when we know it's not!!!
I told him everything that's happened, AGAIN.  He said that since my cycles are so short, I'm most likely not ovulating, and if I'm not ovulating, there's NO chance of conception.  So, he finally said we could try Clomid if we were "that interested in becoming pregnant".  DUH...that's why I was there.
So, I'm on birth control pills for 3 months to get my cycles back on a schedule and then we'll start Clomid.
I've talked to a couple of my friends and an aunt of mine who have all experienced major fertility issues and they said I should also be taking metaformin.  The OB didn't discuss ANYTHING else, just said we'd do Clomid and that was about the extent of the conversation.  After hearing everyone else's stories, I'm starting to feel pretty short-changed by him.  I want someone to answer my questions and discuss this with me....it's pretty much the biggest thing in my life!!
After talking with my friends a little more, I think I'm going to see a reproductive endocrinologist, which is what they all ended up doing to get their best answers.  So, I'm going to get up in the morning and call to see if we can get in to one...hopefully this week while John is on vacation!!!

Hard to Believe

It's hard to believe it's been 9 weeks ago today since we found out we'd lost our baby.  Hard to think that we'd know the gender by now, and be able to start picking colors and bedding and all that good stuff.  We'd have a name...and a whole new set of hopes and dreams for that baby.

We went back to the doctor for my check-up after the loss and asked them to do some fertility testing.  They ran a TON of bloodwork, tested my thyroid and a bunch of other things.  I go back next Friday to get the results.  Hopefully they find something out from the labs and I can start doing something to help increase our chances at conceiving and KEEPING another baby.  If they don't have any answers from the blood tests, then they'll start doing "invasive" testing.

John is thinking about joining the Army.  It has been his lifelong dream, and I'm finally getting on the bandwagon.  It's terrifying to me, but there are definitely a lot of pluses to it.  They'll pay for fertility treatments.  John can sign his GI Bill to Charlee, so her college will be paid for when she's old enough to go.  We'll get to see the country, and possibly some international places....it can be an exciting thing, even though it'll be scary at the same time to do so many changes at a time!!!

"A Silent Love"

There were so many parts in this book that just really brought me comfort, and I would like to post them here...either to help other mamas who have been in this situation, or just to be able to come back to later for comfort.

Excerpts from "A Silent Love" by Adrienne Ryan

"When a baby dies, whether it is in the early or late stages of a pregnancy, at birth, or shortly after birth, we are left to cope with a multitude of emotions, all of which threaten to engulf us with grief.  The emotional distress is compounded by the fact that there is often a lack of understanding by those around us, an almost incomprehensible questioning as to why, when we never knew our child, we should be feeling the overwhelming sense of loss that we do.  The loss of a child is one of life's greatest tragedies.  ...  It is an all to frequent tragedy and one that is too infrequently discussed.  We need to allow ourselves-and be allowed- to grieve openly, because this is no less than we deserve."


I think the following part was one that hit me the most.  It amazes me how we can talk freely about the death of a loved one, but somehow people act like our baby should not be afforded that same grievance.  People get uncomfortable around us when they know that we've lost babies...some people even act like it could be 'catching'.  There was a woman at my OB's office one day who started talking to me while I was waiting to get my lab work done.  She was waiting for an ultrasound, she'd told the woman next to her, and when that woman left, I asked her how far along she was.  She was about 14 weeks, just a week further than I would've been.  We talked for a few minutes and she asked how far along I was and when I told her that I was no longer pregnant (those were my exact words) she immediately turned in her seat, placed her hands so protectively around her belly and then did not speak to me the rest of the time.  It crushed me.  Miscarriage isn't contagious...and as common it is, you would really think people would be a little more understanding.  But I guess every woman has the "it can't happen to me" mentality, and facing someone with a miscarriage makes that fear come back to the surface.

"A child created through the love of two people is indeed a precious gift.  From the moment of conception, each of our babies offers us a potential for the future - a potential for OUR future, promising fundamental changes to our lives that, while in many ways unimaginable, are also absolutely imagined and extraordinary.  For the majority of prospective parents, that potential is realized when their child is born and grows to become an essential member of their family: a child, an adolescent, and ultimately an adult who contributes to the richness of the lives he or she touches each day.
"But for others, sadly, the potential is never realized, and a future is lost.  So far-reaching are the implications of that loss that it cannot be dealt with as an isolated incident, but this is usually what we try to do and, moreover, what others expect us to do.  Yet the loss remains an intristic part of our lives, the ramifications of which reverberate ever after.
"With each day and with each event the surviving family members enjoy, there remains a constant vacuum, a space that was reserved for a child to fill or at least partly fill.  We remain constantly aware that, while our child would have said and done many things to alter our lives, our lives are instead altered by the things that child hasn't said or done.  It is our future that has been affected, not our past. When a parent or other relative of our past dies, we have tangible memories of that person and of the contribution he or she made to our lives.  If we have happy times to remember, for the most part we can ultimately come to an acceptance of his or her death.  Btu when a baby dies, no memories exist to help us reach such an acceptance.  We are not able to look back and remember things about our own child that might make us smile, and it is this fact that is fundamental to the explanation of our grief and makes it a grief unlike any other."


The bold part of that is the part that affected me the most.  It is so true.  When we lose a family member, we can always remember things they've said or done that made such an impact on us.  When we lose a baby, there are really no memories.  My memories of this pregnancy are the absolute high of finding out we were pregnant again...and then the crushing pain when I started to bleed so heavily, and then laying there on that ultrasound table when she could only find that empty sac.  I remembered the pain and the 'empty' feeling from the previous losses, and I had very strongly suspected that we were no longer pregnant by the time we got to the office, but I still prayed so very very fervently that God would answer our prayers and that our baby was still safe and snug inside of me.

".....when a baby dies at a time when its dependency on the mother is absolute, many women subsequently feel that they have failed their child and failed in the most basic function of womanhood.  The feelings of guilt and failure can often be so intense that they risk falling into an abyss of self-doubt from which some become incapable of returning."


This was another thing that really hit home for me.  A woman is MADE to have children, and it killed me each time my body would fight against my baby and then force it out.  Why couldn't I do something so simple, something that I was MADE to do.  It was hard enough watching friends and family have children, some of them having 2-3 in the space of time that we waiting to conceive and carry Charlee...our only viable pregnancy.  The thing that hurt me was that people who really had no business having babies were able to have as many as they wanted, with no complications or ramifications...and yet John and I, who so desperately wanted a baby and could actually provide for it....couldn't carry a child.  My sister would tell me of all these 13, 14 and 15 year old girls in her school having babies, some of them graduating with 2 or 3 kids.

****I'm not trying to offend anyone.  I know lots of very young mothers who are AMAZING mothers, just the child was a surprise and happened sooner than it should have.  It just hurt me to see these young girls, so many of whom were single, still living at home, and some of them not even hold enough to get a job....having these happy healthy babies when we couldn't.****

The part that hurt the worst though, was hearing about these girls getting pregnant, or ANY woman getting pregnant, and because it was an unplanned or unwanted baby...having an abortion.  They had a discussion one night on the news about some girls using abortion as a form of birth control and I sat here and bawled through the whole segment.

In my opinion, if you think you're old enough to play the game, then you're old enough to understand the consequences.  If you can't face the possibility of a baby, then don't have sex!!! No birth control is 100% effective!  Even when I was on the pill, it would've been a shock to get pregnant, but a very welcome one.  We knew from the beginning that there could always be a baby, no matter the precautions we took...and we were prepared to take care of that baby if it ever happened.  For those that go into sex willingly, then abortion should not be considered...you knew the risk when you took that action.  Just because you don't want that baby doesn't mean someone else wouldn't love that child.

My mom and uncle are both adopted.  Their mothers were either too young, or unable to afford them, or maybe just weren't prepared to take care of a child.  But they didn't kill their babies when they learned they were pregnant.  They carried them in their bodies, and then gave my Nana the greatest gift one person could give another, the gift of a child to love and call her own......twice!!!

Okay, I guess I'll get off my soapbox now....it's just a subject that gets me riled up!  Even more so after the miscarriages....a life is a life, no matter when...no one else may know your child within your body, but YOU do.

A Lot On My Mind

It's 1:30 in the morning and I absolutely cannot sleep.  I've tried laying down twice, but all I can do is toss and turn and so I wake up John...who has to get up in 3.5 hours for work, so I thought I would be a nice wife and let him sleep. (Please don't sue for the MASSIVE run-on sentence!)

My friend Beth Ann lent me a few books on miscarriage today when I took her the afghan she ordered.  I finished one tonight, "A Silent Love" by Adrienne Ryan.  If any of you have had a miscarriage, or know someone who has had one, please read this book.  It brought me to tears more times than I can count, but it was so beautiful to hear other mother's telling there story.  The book brings up a very good, very sad point...it is not fair to those of us going through it on so many different levels.  The most obvious reason is that we are losing our child.  But, second, it is so VERY upsetting that miscarriage is still a taboo subject for discussion.  

Throughout the miscarriages we've been through...no one will talk about it.  When I am upset or hurt, I want to talk...I want to get my problems off my chest.  And yet, when it comes to that subject, no one seems to listen.  We are talking about death, pure and simple.  If it is an adult family member who passes on, people will listen to you cry and console you all day long, but if it is a baby within your body that you lose, somehow that doesn't get the same acknowledgement.

The book raised another good point.  When you lose a family member, at least you have those memories to look back on.  You will always remember their laugh and smile...the holidays, the parties....time you spent with them.  And yet, with a miscarriage, we have none of those memories.  We have nothing to draw on except the hopes and dreams we had placed on that tiny person.  It is so hard to spend so much time fantasizing about what your baby will look like, how it will act, what he/she will grow up to be....and then to have all those dreams taken away from you in an instant.  You're only left with a "what might've been".  No pictures, no nothing....only an aching void that feels like it will never be filled.

This miscarriage has been so very different from the others.  At first, it was easier.  I was amazed at how well I was holding myself together.  I focused 100% of my attention on Charlee and did not dwell on our loss like I did before.  She kept me distracted, and so I didn't really think about the baby we lost.  And then, suddenly, two weeks ago, it was like the ceiling came crashing down on me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep...and when I DID finally get to sleep all I had were nightmares.  Very vivid nightmares of losing Charlee, so real that I would wake up crying or screaming and have to run to her room to check on her...just to reassure myself that she was there, breathing and safe.  I was a wreck...every little noise felt like a threat...someone lurking in the shadows, waiting to take my baby girl away from me.  I honestly thought I was going crazy.

Somehow, over the past week, I've started to feel better.  I know that life has to go on.  I can't let myself freak over every little thing.  This has definitely made me even more protective over Charlee, but I realize that she is here, and I will keep her safe as much as I possibly can.  We hope to have another baby soon, but if it doesn't happen, we have our miracle baby and she is here and she is OURS.  No matter what happens, I will have that beautiful little face looking up at me.  She loves me unconditionally and if she is our only baby, then that means that's just that much more love and attention we can give to her.

Something to take my mind off.......

Only two and a half weeks!!! John, Charlee and I are going to Gatlinburg, TN for our first family vacation!!!  John and I went to New Harmony a few times back after graduation and then for our honeymoon...but those are the only vacations we've ever been on.


So, not only will this be Charlee's first time away from home, but it will be the first time John and I have been more than an hour or so away as a couple :)  I thought it was so great that OUR first real vacation as a couple will be our first FAMILY vacation too!!


We are going to stay at the Greystone Lodge in Gatlinburg, right on the "strip".  We are going down on a Monday night, then taking Tuesday to go to Ripley's Aquarium (Charlee looooooves "bishies") and walk up and down the strip.  We'll stay again Tuesday night, then get up Wednesday morning and check out any remaining places we wanted to see there.


Then we're heading to Sevierville to hit up the Tanger Outlet Mall on our way home.  We will spend the day there going through the mall, and possibly stay the night there, if there are any more stores we want to see after that.


That Thursday is John's birthday, and then it is only 3 weeks until Charlee's birthday.  Still so hard to believe that my baby girl is turning TWO!!  


Hoping that maybe we'll get the news that another little one is on the way before Christmas.  We don't want a HUGE age difference between our kids, so hopefully we conceive soon! Please keep your fingers crossed for us.

...

So, I think I'm having a meltdown.  For some reason, these past three days have been HELL on me.


I can't sleep, even though I'm absolutely exhausted.  I'll go to bed at about midnight and then lay there tossing and turning until 2-3.  I guess from the stress of everything, my restless leg syndrome crap is in hyper-drive.  My legs feel like they're CRAWLING, no matter how much stretching and stuff I do before bed.  They used to just twitch...now it's almost to the point of pain...it feels like there are things crawling and pinching on them :(
They say it's agitated by stress, so evidently that's what's going on.


Then, once I DO get to sleep, I have nightmares.  Horrible, wake-up-crying kind of nightmares.  Nightmares like I haven't had since I was itty bitty, when Mom would come rushing into the room to cuddle with me and tell me everything was okay.


They're always about Charlee, about something awful happening to her.  There's a car wreck, a drowning, someone stealing her out of her window, someone taking her while we're at the park...right in front of me.  And they're SO realistic, that even after I wake up, I can still feel the fear, and have to get up and go sit by Charlee's bed for 10 minutes to prove to myself she's safe and snug in her bed.  Then I go back to bed, and the game starts all over...FINALLY get to sleep, and here comes another nightmare.


I'm so nervous all the time, and feel like a panic attack is lurking around every corner.  I've never felt so strung out or so run over.  Don't know how it's possible to feel so high and so low at the same time.  I feel like I"m putting on this face around everyone....when all I want to do is scream.

Coping

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since our doctor's appointment when we found out that we weren't going to have our Valentine's baby.


As of Wednesday, my HCG level was still at 17.  They told me I should be down to less than five by now and that still having that much in my blood could mean that I had an incomplete miscarriage.  So, instead of going back in a few days for my blood work, I'm supposed to wait 10 days...so a week from tomorrow, to go back.  She said hopefully by then it will be back to zero.  If not they will have to do something to complete the miscarriage, either a D&C or drugs.  It makes me nervous to think of having to go through much more.  


My first miscarriages weren't like this.  The first one happened and was over within a day.  The second, I had a D&C and just barely spotted for a few days afterwards.  This one has been agony.  I told John if it happens again, I will have another D&C done.


Charlee has kept me busy for the most part, but having to experience the miscarriage for almost 2 weeks was AGONY.  And just when I thought it was finally over, they tell me there's still something going on to cause me to still have a HCG count in my blood tests.


At first, she gave me hope.  She said that it could mean that I was VERY  early into another pregnancy, or that the miscarriage was incomplete.  One of my friends just delivered a very healthy baby and said that at her first OB/GYN appointment with that pregnancy, her count was only 10, and that they'd started her on progesterine shots, and that saved her pregnancy.  


So, last night, I decided to take one of my old pregnancy tests.  They detect 25 mlU/mg HCG, so if I was pregnant, I should have made enough HCG between Wednesday and last night for it to show, but it was negative.  So, I'm prepping myself to go through some more tests and work to finish out this miscarriage.  

Please keep our little family in your thoughts and prayers!

One Week, One Day, 16 hours and 50 minutes

Yup, that's right, I figured it up to the minute.

July 26, 2010 15:34.

I remember seeing the timestamp on the ultrasound as the tech showed us the empty sack that should have contained our 9 week old baby, and instead was just....well......empty.  I remember tears coming to my eyes, but not even being able to cry.

I think I knew before we even got to the office....or maybe it came to me while I sat in that room for an hour looking at that plastic uterus/fetus thing that every office who deals with women seems to have.  I think if you have any complications and are there for a possible miscarriage, they should have some room they take you to that DOESN'T have the explosion of "Wow! We're Pregnant And Want To Know Everything About Our Developing Fetus!!" decor.  Just a thought.

I have handled this miscarriage surprisingly well, and I don't really know why.  Before, I was a mess, crying, screaming....not getting out of bed.  A miserable lump for months afterwards.  But this time is different.  I've had a natural miscarriage, something else new.  It's been hard, and scary to see just what you can develop that quickly.  But for some reason, I haven't retreated to the bedroom with this. I'm sad, obviously, and I feel the ache deep down, something that flares up every now and then when I think about it.  I find myself unable to sleep at night, when before all I DID was sleep.  I lay awake and wonder what could have been, and that's when I feel the sting of my tears.

I picture going through another pregnancy, growing big again, and rubbing that big beach ball belly.  I think of John laying with me at night, talking to my belly, telling baby things about us, just like he did with Charlee.  I can see the amazement and wonder on Charlee's face the first time she feels the baby kick through my belly...and the wonderment that I'm sure would flash across her face the first time she SEES her little brother or sister move across my belly.  Thinking of the excitement of that final push and the joy of finally seeing that little scrunched up face after 9 months of wondering who the baby looks like, all answered in those first five seconds after birth.

When I DO finally fall asleep, my dreams always contain a second child.  It may be just for a few seconds, or for the whole night, but there is always a second child in the background somewhere...sometimes as a baby, sometimes as a toddler, following Charlee around the house.

It gives me hope, thinking maybe eventually God will see fit to bless us with another miracle baby.  It took so long to conceive and carry a baby.....Charlee was born 3 years, 6 months and 4 days after our wedding, and I was off the pill for 6 months before the wedding.  We conceived this baby without even trying, when Charlee was 19-20 months old.  It was a shock that it happened, especially considering we hadn't even paid attention to the charts or my cycles, etc for over a year.

So, now it's the wait for the doctor to keep up the bloodwork until my hormones are back to "non-pregnant" levels, and then the wait until we're cleared to try again.  Hopefully Charlee will be able to put on that "I'm A Big Sister" again!

Missing What Never Was

I had my "emergency" doctor's visit today at 2:15 this afternoon.  I got there at 2:09 and wasn't seen until after 3:00. It sucked having to sit there for so long, but at least it gave John time to get home from work so he could be there.

The nurse practitioner came in and gave me a quick pelvic and said that she was worried about the blood because it was coming from my cervix, but that she had seen people bleed worse and still have a healthy pregnancy.  She ordered an ultrasound and some bloodwork.

We went in for the ultrasound and she found the sac right away...but there was no baby.  She said if I was earlier, that would be okay, because it would just mean the baby hadn't developed yet, but the sac measured right on time, but there was no sign of a baby, or any sign that there ever HAD been a baby.

We spoke with the doctor again and she said that it was a pregnancy that never involved a baby.  I looked it up and it's called a "blighted ovum".  The egg was fertilized and implanted, but a baby never grew out of it.

She said that within a week I should miscarry it naturally and if not, they'll do a D&C.  I have to go back this Friday to do another blood test, and then I'll go back in 3 weeks for one final count to make sure my hcg levels have dropped enough to show that I've fully miscarried, and to have a "grief meeting" with the doctor.

I just want to thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers, they've meant a lot.

9 weeks is too short

It's been a rough week here.  
I've been very nervous about having to wait another two weeks to see my doctor, so I called around to different offices in the area, and was able to set up an appointment to see a new doctor this Wednesday.  I was supposed to see his nurse that day, and then set up an appointment to come back in for my pelvic and ultrasound in a week.
Well, Thursday I started spotting.  Nothing bad, nothing overly heavy, it was just there.  I went through the same thing with Charlee, so I wasn't so concerned.  If I was up too much, it would get a little worse, and I would start aching, so I stayed off my feet.
Friday we took Charlee down to visit family and asked my parents to keep her until I could see my OB to make sure things were okay.  I've been off my feet absolutely as much as possible, and John has been AMAZING.  I'm eternally thankful for finding such a man that loves me and would do anything to take care of me and our kids (even when they're not in his arms yet!)
Yesterday I got to take my first belly picture.  So exciting...I kept pictures of my growing tummy from Charlee's pregnancy, and I've always planned to do it this time around too.

Then last night before bed, I started cramping VERY hard.  It would take my breath away and bring tears to my eyes.  It wasn't a constant cramping, it would just hit every few minutes, almost like a bad contraction.  I went to the restroom and I was bleeding.  I spent the night curled up with John BAWLING.
Another miscarriage?  I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it.  Thank God I have my husband and my Charlee to hold me up!
I called my OB this morning when I got up and was still bleeding.  I had to call the answering service, because OBVIOUSLY, the office isn't opened on a Sunday.  I was amazed when it was MY doctor who called me back.  He was VERY nice.  I've never spoken to him before, but he was very caring and concerned. 
 With my last OB, he was the only doctor in his office and I still hardly EVER got to talk to him if I called the after hours care, it was just whoever was on call in the OB ward that day at the hospital... He was very nice, and when he said that it might be a miscarriage he was explaining that at least, if that's what it is, that I shouldn't have to have a D&C or have any complications from it. He told me to take it easy and to think happy thoughts...suggested I make sure John could come with me tomorrow, so if I was losing it, I would have support, and if it was just a bleed, then John could be there to see the baby for the first time. He was very nice...asked if I needed to talk to him or if I had someone I could call to come be with me for support.
So, I'm stretched out in the recliner, rubbing my belly, and praying to God that he doesn't take this baby too.  Please keep us in your prayers!!

So Thankful

I talk to my pregnant friends online, and listen to the talking about how badly their husband, fiance, or boyfriend is taking their pregnancy, how even though they're approaching their due dates, the men in their lives are out drinking and doing drugs, out blowing money on beer and video games instead of getting things for their kids.....And all I can think of is John.  He works a hard job to make enough money so that I can stay home with Charlee.  And now, with another baby on the way, he's excited, not griping about the extra expenses, or how it's going to mean even less time for us together, and each of us to have any alone time.
I'm so lucky that I have John.  I'm so lucky to have a man who loves me...who would give up anything to make his daughter happy....and who is excited over this new baby even though it IS a shock lol.
We've had our rough spots, and I know we'll probably have more.  But we have a gorgeous little girl, and another baby on the way...and we'll always be a family.  Love has brought us through so many dips and turns in the road, and it will keep up the smooth sailing, and now there's even a little more love in the family :)

Baking Babies With A Toddler

So, I just realized that the title sounds like a wicked witch cookbook listing, but well, you know what I mean!  We are now 7 weeks and 5 days along with Peanut #2,  and little miss Charlee Jean is 21 months old today!

This pregnancy is going SO much easier than Charlee's did.  By this time we'd already spent a night in the ER with a miscarriage scare, was on two different medicines for my morning sickness and could barely move off the couch I was cramping so bad and was so sick.

This time.....I'm have had one morning that I was sick.  I'm not even really having the major food aversions that I had with Charlee.  There have been things that don't SOUND good to me, but nothing that's really made me sick to look at or think about.  Now I just hope it keeps going like this.  I'm not sure if I could manage Charlee if I was that sick again!!

Our first OB appointment isn't until August 6, which is driving me insane.  I will be exactly 11 weeks on the day I go...and everyone else who is due the same time as me has already had an appointment, to at least confirm their levels.  The OB said that's the way they do theirs because there's really nothing they can do if something goes wrong before then.

Which is all good and understandable, but I'm a high-risk pregnancy.  That's the WHOLE REASON we aren't moving back to Perry County next month...I wanted to be up here with better doctors and better hospitals.  That's why we were seen so early and often with Charlee, but evidently that's not going to happen with this doctor until something goes wrong with THIS baby.  It's upsetting, but I guess I understand.  OH well, it's just me, being all nice and pregnant and hormonal.

Charlee's terrible two's have already hit.  It really started this weekend...with a vengeance!!!  She's into everything and won't listen to half the things we say to her.  It's so aggravating, and of course with the new extra hormones....Mommy is having some BAD days.  I love her to death, but she just really is getting to be a handful.  She's usually a really good baby, but this is like toddler PMS lol

Expanding the Stewarts

John and I got a nice surprise last Thursday.
My friend Jessica Singleton and I went to dinner at Applebees to enjoy their 99cent margarita night.  I had one (which I only had about 1/2 of) and THEN they told us that it was no longer a promotion they were offering.  So we sat there sipping water and Coke instead and caught each other up on what had been going on in life and with the girls since the last time we were together.

My cycles have been screwed up since Christmas, and I've been late for the past three or four months, so when I was late again this month, I didn't think much of it.  I took a test on Tuesday when I was 4 days late and it came up negative, so I figured I was just screwed up again.

Jessica brought up the fact that she'd had the same problem (not "feeling" pregnant) with her little girl and I should test again.  We spent the rest of the evening hanging out and running around town.

When I got home, I decided to go ahead and take another test.  After all, what could it hurt?  I did the test and laid it down, and nothing showed up at first, so I figured it was going to be negative again, but I laid it on the wrapper on the counter to let it set its 5 minutes.  I walked back in, texting on my phone, not really thinking much about it, and sure enough....there was a second line.  I picked it up and ran to the other bathroom where John was getting ready to take a shower, and I poked it through the door.

We're both completely in shock.  I'm not taking any preventative measures or anything, but we haven't really been trying.  It took us a little over three years to get pregnant with Charlee, so we figured it would be awhile before we had another one.  We're ecstatic of course....and definitely can't wait to meet this little Peanut too!!

According to those online due date calculators, I'm due about February 26, 2011.  Our first OB appointment is August the 6th!!  They're having me wait long enough so we can hear the heartbeat, and then they should schedule my first ultrasound!!!

Sticky Drumsticks (Crock-Pot)

2-4lbs chicken drumsticks
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/2-3/4 cup brown sugar
2 tsp garlic powder
8 oz can tomato sauce

*The original recipe calls for the skin to be taken off the chicken legs, but I forgot.  So instead of "sticky" chicken, it just had a really yummy sauce.

*Place all chicken in Crock-Pot.


*Mix soy sauce, sugar and tomato sauce and pour evenly over chicken.

*Cook on low for 8 hours.  Chicken just falls off the bone, so it takes a spoon or a very careful set of tongs to get them out!!

Mmm....Homemade Crab Rangoons

This is my very favorite thing when we go eat Chinese, and I found a recipe that's pretty good!!!

1 (8 oz.) package crabmeat

1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, softened
2 Tbsp chopped onion
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 tsp. soy sauce
1 pkg. won ton skins

1-2tsp sugar {I didn't add it this time, but would suggest it, they are a little bland w/o it}
Vegetable oil for deep frying (I used my FryDaddy)

 

*Heat oil to 375*.

*Finely chop crab meat.

*In a medium bowl, combine cream cheese, onion, Worcestershire, garlic and soy sauce sugar(optional).

*Mix in crab meat. (This will be thick and lumpy)

*Place one teaspoon filling in the center of each won ton skin. Moisten edges with water. Fold each skin in half to form a triangle; press edges to seal.

*Deep fry several won tons at a time, turning once, until both sides are golden brown.

Gyros...A lot easier to make at home than trying to find a Greek restaurant!!

My mother-in-law, father-in-law and I stopped at a little snack shop one day while I was pregnant and tried a Gyro for the first time.  Let me tell you, I was in loooooooove.  I haven't had one since...it's been a long two years....but I finally found a recipe that sounded easy enough to do myself.  The recipe I found was from Alton Brown on Food Network, and the recipe for the Tzatziki Sauce to go with it I found on my web-friend's blog The Frugal Gourmom.  I changed both recipes around a little to make them quicker and easier...to fit into my time limits...plus things I could actually afford to buy!!! (Ever notice how Food Network stars expect us to be as rich as they are?!?!?)  So, here are my "adapted" versions of the recipes...

YOU WILL NEED:

GYRO

1 lb ground veal
1 lb ground turkey
1 Tbsp oregano
1 Tbsp rosemary 
1/2 small onion
1 large clove garlic
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1 package pita pockets
shredded lettuce, for topping
chopped tomatoes, for topping
sliced onion, for topping


SAUCE:
1 cup Greek yogurt
2 tsp lemon juice
1/2 cucumber
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp garlic powder


*MAKE YOUR SAUCE FIRST!!!! This the flavors all have time to meld together, so it's even better if you make it in the morning, or best yet, the night before!
*Grate your half cucumber and sandwich between layers of paper towels.  Press down, and keep replacing paper towels until the cucumber is as dry as you can get it!

*Combine ingredients in a small bowl and refrigerate until ready :)

*For your sandwiches, chop the onion as fine as you can, then press between paper towels to get out as much of the water as possible (I never knew onions had so much water in them until today!) Mince the garlic and rosemary.

*Combine veal, turkey, onions, rosemary, oregano, garlic, salt and pepper in a medium bowl and mix together with your hands until all is combined evenly.  The meat will be really sticky!  I was kind of weirded out by the texture at first, but it gets better after it cooks!!

*Spray a skillet and get HOT HOT HOT!!!  Pat meat out to the size of your pitas, but get it as thin as you possibly can.  Drop into the hot skillet and let get very brown on each side, then flip.  This recipe will make about 12-16 pita-sized patties.

*Split open your pitas, spread in some of the Tzatziki Sauce, then put in your patty.  Add lettuce, onions and tomatoes.  I also liked a little extra sauce to dip my sandwich in.

 

Family Cookbook

So, I"ve decided that the immediate family is getting copies of our family cookbook, but for everyone else, or people who live too far away, I'm going to type up the recipes as I get the time on here, so the WHOLE family can actually get this :)

A Week of Milestones

A big week this week!

Last Friday (April 9th) was John and I's 5 year wedding anniversary.  Things are still rough going though, so we didn't really do anything.  I made Nana's Steak & Gravy for him for dinner, he played his Xbox and I worked on the family cookbook.

We had a few big discussion this week, namely on whether or not we're going to stay together.  Sadly, it's starting to look in the "not such a good chance" direction.  I love John, and I love having a family with him, but I'm just not happy any more, and evidently he isn't willing to change the things I'm not happy WITH.  I'm trying my hardest to change the things he said he was unhappy with, but evidently it's not having as much of an effect as I was hoping it would.  Many of the things are things I haven't really had a CHANCE to prove I can change on, but somehow....I don't really even think it matters anymore. 

Whether this relationship wins or loses, I'll always be thankful for the time I've had with him.  It's been a great almost-7 years, and we have a beautiful daughter out of it.  We've had our good days and our bad ones, but they've all been memory makers, and I don't regret one second of our time together.

So every night I pray that things will magically be different in the morning, but somehow, having a man who barely touches me and would rather go to movies with his friends than me....isn't exactly my idea of a healthy marriage.  I get that we each need our alone time, but well....mine so far HASN'T been scheduled during important times.  Oh well, on to a different topic.

Charlee had her first allergic reaction Saturday.  She woke up covered in HUGE hives all over her body.  They've kept on getting worse, so we went to her doctor today, who's brilliant revelation was "she's allergic to something".  Dear God, the angels must have whispered it in her ears...no one else could have EVER came to that conclusion.  Gee, can you sense the sarcasm here?!?!?

So, I'm going to call her allergist and see if we can reschedule her appointment from next week to THIS week, see if maybe HE can have an educated guess and figure out what she's reacting to that's causing her to look like this!

Next big deal...tomorrow, Charlee Jean will be 18 months old!!! It's hard to believe that I went to bed 18 months ago tonight, not realizing it was my last night without a baby to watch!!  I remember the nesting instinct kicking into high gear and knowing it was coming soon, but not realizing it would be within a few hours LOL.

Today was also Charlie's birthday.  How I miss my "DeDee" and wish he was here to see his namesake!  He would love and spoil her just as much (if not more) than he did me and Katie when we were kids.  The day Nana introduced us to him, was the best day ever!!!  He stepped in and really took up where our other grandpas had lacked.  He was the greatest guy, and was always there to help with whatever the problem was...and he could fix anything in the world.  I miss him every day, but I know he's still around here watching over us. 

It's so crazy, some mornings I'll wake up to Charlee talking in her room, and when I get her up, I'll ask her what she was doing, or who she was talking to, and she'll say "DeDee".  It's sweet, and I REALLY think it's him here, because when the rest of us talk about him, we always just call him Charlie now.  I like to think he's her guardian angel, because I SWEAR I could smell his cologne in the delivery room!

Charlee Jean, the stink-bug queen :)

Charlee has been sick the past two weeks.  Just when I thought it was getting better, it's come back again.  I feel so bad for her...and the poor princess is back down to 18.6 pounds :(  Her check-up is in two weeks, and I'm sure they're going to freak out if she's still down this small.

I did find some Pediasure and she's drinking it and holding it down okay.  And she can eat baby food.  I feel weird feeding my 17.5 month old baby food, but hey, if it stays down....I don't care WHAT it is!

About a month ago, we had to convert her crib over to a toddler bed because the front panel broke.  Well, then she decided to start chewing on the final back piece, so we decided to buy her a plastic one.  One of my friends had one in a yard sale so we bought it and she LOVES it :) She's going to bed so easy now!!!  She goes to the bottom and points at the sticker and says "Pooh Bay-er" 

Now I'm just working on the family cookbook.  I'll probably go ahead and post most of the recipes on here, so I can keep track of them!

Are We So Advanced We're Going Backwards?

I was cruising around on my facebook page this morning, when I noticed a link that one of my friends posted.  It's titled  "Why Are So Many Moms Dying?" and it just really broke my heart to read.  They had an example of how one VERY healthy woman died soon after giving birth to a child.  It went on about how, even though we've come so far with all our medical advances, more women are dying now during and after child-birth than in MANY years before.  With all of the advances available now, many doctors and even mothers rush through childbirth.  They will induce and/or do C-Sections when unnecessary just to make the birth quicker or more "convenient". 
Many of my friends were induced and/or had a C-Section, and I understand it if it's medically necessary, but you hear of people just wanting a C-Section.  WHY?!?!?! This is a major surgery, and it's no wonder that there are so many complications from it!!!  yeah, vaginal childbirth is painful and not exactly the way you'd plan to spend hours of your time, but recovery is a few days or a week, a CSection is cutting you open and sometimes WEEKS of recover, not to mention the scars you're left with, and the higher chance that you will have to have a repeat C-section with subsequent births.  I just can't imagine VOLUNTEERING for something like that!!! 

Now that I've had my moment on the soapbox, I'll go on to a question I have.....

Is it true that children with pre-existing conditions will not be able to get coverage on this new government health care stuff? John's company is supposedly laying off again..and if it's true, he will probably be on the list, so we will OBVIOUSLY have to find some kind of insurance for Charlee and Cobra is too much.

She has a heart murmur and asthma and other stuff...what would we do if we can't get her covered on those things?!?!? Her medications are high enough WITH insurance! So, if you have read into this a little more, and are a little smarter on the subject, HELP!?!? I want to know, but it seems every webpage is opinions and not the real thing..and I'm just more confused by reading them

Another Newbie

I've been prowling the Internet for some new recipes to try. Yes, it's true, a SAHM's life does have boring days. Not often, mind you, especially now that Charlee is hell-bent to get into EVERY thing in our condo....but some days she's lazy and Mommy has some "me" time to cruise recipe blogs or new cookbooks I pick up at the library. John laughs at me every time I come home with my "book" bag full. And somehow it always ends up that I have 1-2 actual READING books and the rest (usually at least 4-5) are all cookbooks. But hey, we've got some GREAT new recipes from my hunting expeditions through the vast and dusty cookbook aisle at our little tiny library!!!

I was flipping through channels last week while Charlee was taking a nice long nap, and came across the last 5 minutes of Rachel Ray, just as she was pulling the most delicious looking thing I've ever seen out of a Crock Pot. So, I, of course, hopped on my handy-dandy laptop and pulled up her website and the recipe. You can find her version here (http://www.rachaelrayshow.com/food/recipes/slow-cooker-recipe-asian-pepper-steak/) but I changed a few things AND only made a 1/2 batch, so we could make sure we liked it first, so here is MY version:

Rachael Ray Crock-Pot Pepper Steak (My Version)

1.5 lb minute steak
1.5 Tbsp cornstarch
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
2 tsp ginger (the seasoning powder stuff)
1/2 large onion, sliced
1 red pepper, seeded and sliced
1 green pepper, seeded and sliced
4 oz tomato sauce
2 Tbsp brown sugar
1/3 cup soy sauce
dried cilantro
lime juice

*I cut my minute steaks into bite-sized pieces and browned until almost done.

*Place the meat in the Crock Pot and sprinkle with the cornstarch. Stir the steak around until you can no longer see the powder on the meat.

*Add garlic, ginger, onion, peppers, tomato sauce, brown sugar and soy sauce to the Crock Pot and stir well.

*Cover and cook on desired temperature. Because I used the minute steaks and cooked them almost completely in the skillet, it only took mine about an hour on low....and I stirred it often...I know this is a Crock Pot sin, but well, I was doing it my way!

*Spoon meat, peppers and any remaining sauce over rice. Sprinkle with dried cilantro and do a little squirt of lime juice, then mix together.


This is a REALLY great meal, and so simple to make. I'm sure you could just cut out the Crock Pot and make it all in a single skillet, and I'll probably try that the next time I make it and let you guys know how it turns out!!! Good luck and happy cooking!

Holy Cow! I Ate Broccoli!

So, as I've mentioned before, I am NOT a vegetable lover. Now that Charlee is eating with us though, I'm trying to at least eat healthier, even though that doesn't always include more greens on MY plate! We ONLY buy whole grain pasta now, and I've actually come to the point that I don't like the flavor of white pasta anymore. **Try Velveeta's Whole Grain macaroni, and you'll never go back, I promise! We buy whole grain bread white bread (I can't do the complete change to wheat, so this is my compromise!) and I've started eating more fruit.

John and Charlee both have some kind of really unpleasant stomach flu thing going on this weekend, so I wanted to make a soup that would hopefully set well on their stomach. John likes chicken noodle, but Charlee won't touch the stuff, so I decided to try some Broccoli Cheese soup...Charlee loves both things...so I figured it was a safe bet!

One of my WTE mommies shared the link with me when SHE made it a few months ago, and you can find it here: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Broccoli-Cheese-Soup/Detail.aspx
I followed a few of the suggestions in the reviews at the bottom of the page, so here is how I made it for my little family.

Broccoli-Cheese Soup

3 Tbsp butter

1/2 large onion, finely chopped

16oz package frozen broccoli florets

4 (14.5oz) cans chicken broth

1lb loaf Velveeta cheese, cubed VERY small

1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese

2 cups milk

1Tbsp garlic powder

2/3 cup cornstarch
______________________________

*In a large pot, melt butter. Cook onion in butter until tender.

*Remove 1 cup of broth from 1 can and set aside

*Dump in broccoli and pour in 3 cans and remainder of 4th can of the chicken broth. Boil for 5-10 minutes until broccoli is tender.

*Once broccoli was tender, I poured everything (broth, onions and broccoli) into the blender and pureed (it took me two batches so it didn't splatter everywhere) and then poured back into pot.

*Stir in the all cheeses until melted. Pour in milk and garlic powder and stir til combined. Raise heat back up to just below boiling.

*In a small bowl, combine the cornstarch and reserved 1 cup broth, and add to the soup. Cook 3-5 minutes, or until soup is thickened.



This made a 4 quart pressure cooker FULL....so it's plenty for a family of 4 or 5 people. There's just the three of us, so I'm going to have a good stock in the freezer for later :)

pattern from Michael's and Bernat Yarn

Baby Coordinates Sweet Stripes - Green Blanket (c)

MEASUREMENTS: Approx 32 x 32 ins [81.5 x 81.5 cm].

MATERIALS
Bernat Baby Coordinates Sweet Stripes (150 g/5.25 oz) 09712 (Sprite Stripes) 3 balls

Size 5 mm (U.S. H or 8) crochet hook or size needed to obtain gauge.

GAUGE
13 sc and 18 rows = 4 ins [10 cm].

INSTRUCTIONS
Ch 2.
1st row: (RS). 3 sc in 2nd ch from hook. Turn.
2nd row: Ch 1. 2 sc in first sc. 1 sc in next sc. 2 sc in last sc. Turn.
3rd and 4th rows: Ch 1. 2 sc in first sc. 1 sc in each sc to last sc. 2 sc in last sc. Turn. 9 sc.
5th row: Ch 1. 1 sc in each sc across. Turn.
6th to 8th rows: Ch 1. 2 sc in first sc. 1 sc in each sc to last sc. 2 sc in last sc. Turn. 15 sc.
9th row: Ch 1. 1 sc in each sc across. Turn.
Rep last 4 rows 22 times more, ending with RS facing for next row. 147 sc.
Next row: Ch 1. 1 sc in each st across. Turn.
Next 3 rows: Ch 1. Draw up a loop in each of next 2 sts. Yoh and draw through all loops on hook – Sc2tog made. 1 sc in each sc to last 2 sts. Sc2tog over last 2 sts. Turn.
Rep last 4 rows 23 times more. 3 sts.

Next row: Ch 1. Draw up a loop in each of next 3 sts. Yoh and draw through all loops on hook – Sc3tog made. Do not fasten off.

Edging: 1st rnd: Ch 1. 3 sc in first st. (90 sc across side of Blanket. 3 sc in corner) 3 times. 90 sc across last side of Blanket. Join with sl st to first sc.
2nd rnd: Ch 1. Working from left to right instead of from right to left as usual, 1 reverse sc in each sc around. Join with sl st to first sc. Fasten off.

Kids Are Expensive

Have you ever really wondered exactly HOW MUCH money you've spent on your child since they were born? I'm really starting too! She's completely worth every dime and dollar we've spent on her, but it's just amazing to think someone so small requires so many things, especially stuff that is SO expensive LOL

Charlee had her allergy tests yesterday. She is SEVERELY allergic to sweet potatoes and cats. She's moderately allergic to dust mites, cockroaches, all molds and pollens and dogs. So we are now on the path to making our home "allergy-defensive"

Our first step was to find "dust mite barrier" bedding. They're simply big zip-up bags that go over your mattress and pillows. I FINALLY found a website who had the crib cover for under $50 and the pillow covers for under $20 a piece. So, those are ordered.

Our vacuum has to be replaced with one with an "enclosed HEPA filter" . Our vacuum now has the filter, but it blows dust EVERYWHERE when I vacuum. I really think it probably blows out at least 75% of what it picks up, so it's doing more harm than good because everything is up in the air instead of on the floor! So, we've found a few vacuums to look at. I would LOVE to get a Dyson because they're the best, but well, my checkbook doesn't like it nearly as much as I do!

Then it's on to air quality. Of course, there is a TON of pollution in the air here, so we either need to get a special kind of furnace filter or air purifiers. At first glance, the filters seem a much better buy....$27 vs $200, but then to have the filters do any good, you have to keep the fan running ALL THE TIME on the furnace/AC...so our electric bill would go through the roof....so we found a set of purifiers that Lexi's mom bought at Sam's....a 2-pack for $180.

I have been wanting a Shark Steam Pocket cleaner forever, and the allergist said that would be GREAT to have because it sanitizes as it cleans, so I had that on my list, but Mom offered to buy it for me for my birthday, so there's one less thing that we have to buy...and it doubles as something for Mommy LOL

They put her on a nebulizer, taking treatments in the morning and at night because...>GASP<..she DOES have asthma...like I've been telling them since she was tiny! So we have twice daily breathing treatments, twice daily doses of allergy medicine and Albuterol in case she's having a hard time breathing.....and then daily vacuuming once we get the new cleaner!

Mommy is going to get busy...but hey, our apartment will be the cleanest one in the complex. Hoping to be able to find a home with hardwood floors soon, so we don't have to worry so much about the dust mites and mold and gunk in the carpets!

Little Miracles

I just read a blog recommended by one of my October/November '08 WTE mommies, and I'm still sitting here with tears drying on my cheeks. The mommy has a little girl who's 2-3 years old and beautiful blond baby girl who is their princess. She just delivered a little girl in January and at birth they realized she has Down's Syndrome. She talked about what a shock it was, and how she instantly knew. She was just in shock, this wasn't what she'd pictured, wasn't what she'd expected. She was afraid she didn't show enough love in the first moment or two, because she was in complete shock. She's posted other posts since then, explaining how, although this daughter is different than the first, she's completely perfect in her own little way.

It made me realize as I read this....how blessed and perfect our life is.

It took us so long to conceive and carry a baby, and after the miscarriages and the inability to get pregnant again, I had given up all hope of every having our OWN child. And then, out of the blue, our little miracle decided to happen.

Finding out I was pregnant again, and going to the doctor and confirming she was in there good and tight, was the HAPPIEST day of my life. (No offense to John and our wedding day, but this just really took center stage!) I would spend hours just talking to my belly, imagining the way our lives would change and thinking of our baby's future.

The complications came, again and again and I was terrified of losing our little peanut. Everything finally calmed down, we found out we were having a girl, named her Charlee after my step-grandpa and Jean after me, Mom, and Nana's middle names, and made so many MORE plans for our future with her. Then more complications came, I was on partial bed rest and at the ER more times than I even care to count.

And then, 5 weeks and 5 days before she was supposed to arrive, Charlee Jean Stewart decided to make her appearance. Amazingly, I wasn't even scared of the prematurity, until she was out and they took so long to prep her...and then when she was finally placed in my arms and I saw how small she was. (Albeit, she was a good sized baby for being early, but tiny compared to what we were expecting, considering John and I were both over nine pounds!)

Except being tongue-tied, Charlee was the picture of health, despite her early arrival. She roomed in with us and even got to come home on the same day as me. Two weeks later, we were in Kosairs because she wouldn't stop throwing up, and had dropped below her birth weight...and again in January when her reflux flared up and she lost four pounds in less than a week.

She finally got better and all I could do was thank God that he chose to give us this miracle baby and that she was finally growing big and strong.

And then, I feel like an awful Mommy for admitting this, but I guess the "new" started to wear off. I love my daughter with all my heart, don't get me wrong on that, but I found myself getting aggravated.

I spent 6 months back home taking care of my grandmother who has Stage 4 Colo-rectal cancer, and I was doing it all by myself...nursing Nana and trying to play single parent to Charlee. It was hard doing it all by myself, and there were times I was so frustrated I just wanted to run away!

Then, when Mom took over Nana's care and John and I finally got a place up here in Sellersburg, Charlee was 10 months old, and reality quickly set in....this was the first time I was every truly alone with my daughter!!! I never realized exactly how much attention was required to take care of the 3 of us, plus keep up a house and bills and the general stuff that goes into running a family. John is on nights, so I'm up with Charlee pretty much 90% of the day by myself, and I really started feeling the strain.

I was angry and so depressed and just flat out miserable. We started going out to the mall or store and walking around all day just to get out of the house so I didn't have to sit here staring at these 4 walls all day.

I know there are days I lose my temper...and I just have to walk outside a minute so I don't scream. My patience is tried time and time again, and it never fails...100 things go wrong right at the moment I have something that HAS to be done. I find myself breaking into tears and just wanting to hide in the closet more and more often....and I don't know why.

But reading this blog today and seeing how much strength and power has had a MAJOR effect on me...it's really opened my eyes. I am so thankful for the miracle of my daughter and the joy that she brings to me and John in our lives every day.

Every time I feel like I'm completely going to lose my mind...she bats those big blue eyes up at me and says "mama" and holds her arms up. And no matter what is going wrong or what's happening in my life....I find myself sinking down in a chair and cuddling up with my sweet little princess. I have to say she is the one thing in my life that can drive me completely insane one minute and have me laughing so hard I cry the next. She is my world, and I love her more than my life itself.

So if all else fails, and you feel yourself going insane....read the blog

enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com

and think of how much different your life COULD be! So give someone special an extra cuddle and kiss tonight and thank God for how your life is! Remember: what doesn't kill you only makes your stronger!

Potty Training Extrodinaire

We are on Day #5 of potty training Charlee, and it's going AMAZINGLY well :)
Last Thursday I started noticing Charlee was showing a LOT of interest in her little princess potty chair that Mom bought her for her birthday. She would come in the bathroom with me, (like she's done since she became mobile) go over to her chair, lift the lid, squat down in front of it, stand up, pat herself and then close the lid.
We went to the library that afternoon and I picked up a few books on potty training, figuring it couldn't hurt to get the perspectives of a few different moms on how they worked with THEIR babies. When we got home, I sat in the bathroom floor with her and showed her the potty, let her sit on it and touch everything. We poured some water in it to show her that it played music when SHE put something in there, and so on and so on.
Friday morning we got up and ate breakfast. After she finished eating, I noticed she was squatting down like she does when she goes in her diaper. I jumped up and rushed her to the bathroom. I put her on her chair and sure enough, within about ten minutes, the little song played...she'd done #1 & #2 in the potty!!! It went like that ALL DAY! She only used one diaper that day, and the same on Saturday! Sunday we went to John's parents' house and she used two diapers because she would get too excited playing with her Papaw to go to the potty....she still used the chair 3-4 times!
Yesterday we bought her some training panties. They look just like regular little panties, they just have a LOT more fabric down in the crotch area...She wore them all day and only peed in them once. I was soo proud...and then last night she actually woke up at midnight JUST to go to the bathroom, she went back to sleep 5 minutes later :)

****Oh an on another note, Charlee has been COMPLETELY bottle-free since New Years Day...and the first night is the ONLY night she's even fussed about it. Ever since then, it's like she never had one :)

New Year

A new year. A new beginning. New resolutions. New hopes and dreams. A fresh start.

It's hard to believe that Charlee will be 15 months old next weekend!!! She's walking and doing a pretty good little jog now. She has also figured out now that she can carry bigger things when she walks. She has a blow up "bop-it" penguin that's almost as tall as her, and she drags him around. It's so funny because she's doing this little waddle-walk-jog thing.
She's eating completely off the table now...no more baby food for my big girl. Her new favorite thing is chicken nuggets and fries.
And she's also now figured out how to say "bad" and "that". We don't get as many grunts now....it's "that" "THAT!" LOL She's so cute!!!

My new goal for the year this year is to lose AT LEAST 50 pounds. I can't believe I've gotten so big since we graduated. I only gained 11lbs when I was pregnant with Charlee, but I've only lost 6 of those pounds...and that's not counting the 80lbs I've picked up since we graduated high school. I'm depressed...and damn it, I'm tired of it!!! So, I got an exercise DVD and I'm working with that....and thinking about trying to get a gym membership if John doesn't bring up the Bowflex soon.

I'm also waiting for our tax check to come in so I can get rid of my bad teeth. I've had problems with them forever...and it was just the other day that I realized that they could be the reason why I'm having such a hard time getting pregnant. They've been messed up since about the time John and I got married and have only gotten worse.....and I couldn't get pregnant. Well then in December of 2007, they abscessed the first time and they put me on antibiotics and then lo and behold, I got pregnant in late January!!! Then they started causing problems again after I had Charlee, but I haven't had time or the money to get them done yet. ....but after the agony I've had for the past week, I'm counting down to getting our tax check so I can get these stupid things taken care of.

Then, maybe by this time next year, we'll have announced that we're getting ready to have a little brother or sister for Charlee.

2009 was a crazy year! We had lots of lows, and not as many high points as I would have liked, so I'm hoping that 2010 will look up. It's got promise. Nana is off chemo and on a new cancer medicine. They've given her a longer life expectancy now. All the cancer is still there, but it's not as agressive as it was before, so we're hoping she'll be okay for a few more years. She's up doing things again, eating a little better (even though she's still way below where she needs to be weight wise), she can pick up Charlee now and is really getting to enjoy her great granddaughter.

And Charlee is doing better. The reflux is completely gone...she's caught up and even exceeding some of her "milestones". It's amazing to see my little princess becoming such a little girl :) I still find it hard to believe that she was that little 5lb preemie and now she's this walking, talking little PERSON!!!

So, on we go into a new year. Hopefully it treats us all better than last year did. Things can only go up, right?