Friday, February 5, 2010

Little Miracles

I just read a blog recommended by one of my October/November '08 WTE mommies, and I'm still sitting here with tears drying on my cheeks. The mommy has a little girl who's 2-3 years old and beautiful blond baby girl who is their princess. She just delivered a little girl in January and at birth they realized she has Down's Syndrome. She talked about what a shock it was, and how she instantly knew. She was just in shock, this wasn't what she'd pictured, wasn't what she'd expected. She was afraid she didn't show enough love in the first moment or two, because she was in complete shock. She's posted other posts since then, explaining how, although this daughter is different than the first, she's completely perfect in her own little way.

It made me realize as I read blessed and perfect our life is.

It took us so long to conceive and carry a baby, and after the miscarriages and the inability to get pregnant again, I had given up all hope of every having our OWN child. And then, out of the blue, our little miracle decided to happen.

Finding out I was pregnant again, and going to the doctor and confirming she was in there good and tight, was the HAPPIEST day of my life. (No offense to John and our wedding day, but this just really took center stage!) I would spend hours just talking to my belly, imagining the way our lives would change and thinking of our baby's future.

The complications came, again and again and I was terrified of losing our little peanut. Everything finally calmed down, we found out we were having a girl, named her Charlee after my step-grandpa and Jean after me, Mom, and Nana's middle names, and made so many MORE plans for our future with her. Then more complications came, I was on partial bed rest and at the ER more times than I even care to count.

And then, 5 weeks and 5 days before she was supposed to arrive, Charlee Jean Stewart decided to make her appearance. Amazingly, I wasn't even scared of the prematurity, until she was out and they took so long to prep her...and then when she was finally placed in my arms and I saw how small she was. (Albeit, she was a good sized baby for being early, but tiny compared to what we were expecting, considering John and I were both over nine pounds!)

Except being tongue-tied, Charlee was the picture of health, despite her early arrival. She roomed in with us and even got to come home on the same day as me. Two weeks later, we were in Kosairs because she wouldn't stop throwing up, and had dropped below her birth weight...and again in January when her reflux flared up and she lost four pounds in less than a week.

She finally got better and all I could do was thank God that he chose to give us this miracle baby and that she was finally growing big and strong.

And then, I feel like an awful Mommy for admitting this, but I guess the "new" started to wear off. I love my daughter with all my heart, don't get me wrong on that, but I found myself getting aggravated.

I spent 6 months back home taking care of my grandmother who has Stage 4 Colo-rectal cancer, and I was doing it all by myself...nursing Nana and trying to play single parent to Charlee. It was hard doing it all by myself, and there were times I was so frustrated I just wanted to run away!

Then, when Mom took over Nana's care and John and I finally got a place up here in Sellersburg, Charlee was 10 months old, and reality quickly set in....this was the first time I was every truly alone with my daughter!!! I never realized exactly how much attention was required to take care of the 3 of us, plus keep up a house and bills and the general stuff that goes into running a family. John is on nights, so I'm up with Charlee pretty much 90% of the day by myself, and I really started feeling the strain.

I was angry and so depressed and just flat out miserable. We started going out to the mall or store and walking around all day just to get out of the house so I didn't have to sit here staring at these 4 walls all day.

I know there are days I lose my temper...and I just have to walk outside a minute so I don't scream. My patience is tried time and time again, and it never fails...100 things go wrong right at the moment I have something that HAS to be done. I find myself breaking into tears and just wanting to hide in the closet more and more often....and I don't know why.

But reading this blog today and seeing how much strength and power has had a MAJOR effect on's really opened my eyes. I am so thankful for the miracle of my daughter and the joy that she brings to me and John in our lives every day.

Every time I feel like I'm completely going to lose my mind...she bats those big blue eyes up at me and says "mama" and holds her arms up. And no matter what is going wrong or what's happening in my life....I find myself sinking down in a chair and cuddling up with my sweet little princess. I have to say she is the one thing in my life that can drive me completely insane one minute and have me laughing so hard I cry the next. She is my world, and I love her more than my life itself.

So if all else fails, and you feel yourself going the blog

and think of how much different your life COULD be! So give someone special an extra cuddle and kiss tonight and thank God for how your life is! Remember: what doesn't kill you only makes your stronger!

1 comment:

  1. This s a nice post - thanks. If you'd ever like to chat with other parents of preemies, share thoughts, stories, support... you might visit the March of Dimes community called Share Your Story:



About Me

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SAHM to a beautiful, wonderful, miracle princess named Charlee Jean. Married to my high school sweetheart for over 6 years now, and expecting another miracle baby in October 2011