Thursday, August 26, 2010


So, I think I'm having a meltdown.  For some reason, these past three days have been HELL on me.

I can't sleep, even though I'm absolutely exhausted.  I'll go to bed at about midnight and then lay there tossing and turning until 2-3.  I guess from the stress of everything, my restless leg syndrome crap is in hyper-drive.  My legs feel like they're CRAWLING, no matter how much stretching and stuff I do before bed.  They used to just it's almost to the point of feels like there are things crawling and pinching on them :(
They say it's agitated by stress, so evidently that's what's going on.

Then, once I DO get to sleep, I have nightmares.  Horrible, wake-up-crying kind of nightmares.  Nightmares like I haven't had since I was itty bitty, when Mom would come rushing into the room to cuddle with me and tell me everything was okay.

They're always about Charlee, about something awful happening to her.  There's a car wreck, a drowning, someone stealing her out of her window, someone taking her while we're at the park...right in front of me.  And they're SO realistic, that even after I wake up, I can still feel the fear, and have to get up and go sit by Charlee's bed for 10 minutes to prove to myself she's safe and snug in her bed.  Then I go back to bed, and the game starts all over...FINALLY get to sleep, and here comes another nightmare.

I'm so nervous all the time, and feel like a panic attack is lurking around every corner.  I've never felt so strung out or so run over.  Don't know how it's possible to feel so high and so low at the same time.  I feel like I"m putting on this face around everyone....when all I want to do is scream.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since our doctor's appointment when we found out that we weren't going to have our Valentine's baby.

As of Wednesday, my HCG level was still at 17.  They told me I should be down to less than five by now and that still having that much in my blood could mean that I had an incomplete miscarriage.  So, instead of going back in a few days for my blood work, I'm supposed to wait 10 a week from tomorrow, to go back.  She said hopefully by then it will be back to zero.  If not they will have to do something to complete the miscarriage, either a D&C or drugs.  It makes me nervous to think of having to go through much more.  

My first miscarriages weren't like this.  The first one happened and was over within a day.  The second, I had a D&C and just barely spotted for a few days afterwards.  This one has been agony.  I told John if it happens again, I will have another D&C done.

Charlee has kept me busy for the most part, but having to experience the miscarriage for almost 2 weeks was AGONY.  And just when I thought it was finally over, they tell me there's still something going on to cause me to still have a HCG count in my blood tests.

At first, she gave me hope.  She said that it could mean that I was VERY  early into another pregnancy, or that the miscarriage was incomplete.  One of my friends just delivered a very healthy baby and said that at her first OB/GYN appointment with that pregnancy, her count was only 10, and that they'd started her on progesterine shots, and that saved her pregnancy.  

So, last night, I decided to take one of my old pregnancy tests.  They detect 25 mlU/mg HCG, so if I was pregnant, I should have made enough HCG between Wednesday and last night for it to show, but it was negative.  So, I'm prepping myself to go through some more tests and work to finish out this miscarriage.  

Please keep our little family in your thoughts and prayers!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

One Week, One Day, 16 hours and 50 minutes

Yup, that's right, I figured it up to the minute.

July 26, 2010 15:34.

I remember seeing the timestamp on the ultrasound as the tech showed us the empty sack that should have contained our 9 week old baby, and instead was just....well......empty.  I remember tears coming to my eyes, but not even being able to cry.

I think I knew before we even got to the office....or maybe it came to me while I sat in that room for an hour looking at that plastic uterus/fetus thing that every office who deals with women seems to have.  I think if you have any complications and are there for a possible miscarriage, they should have some room they take you to that DOESN'T have the explosion of "Wow! We're Pregnant And Want To Know Everything About Our Developing Fetus!!" decor.  Just a thought.

I have handled this miscarriage surprisingly well, and I don't really know why.  Before, I was a mess, crying, screaming....not getting out of bed.  A miserable lump for months afterwards.  But this time is different.  I've had a natural miscarriage, something else new.  It's been hard, and scary to see just what you can develop that quickly.  But for some reason, I haven't retreated to the bedroom with this. I'm sad, obviously, and I feel the ache deep down, something that flares up every now and then when I think about it.  I find myself unable to sleep at night, when before all I DID was sleep.  I lay awake and wonder what could have been, and that's when I feel the sting of my tears.

I picture going through another pregnancy, growing big again, and rubbing that big beach ball belly.  I think of John laying with me at night, talking to my belly, telling baby things about us, just like he did with Charlee.  I can see the amazement and wonder on Charlee's face the first time she feels the baby kick through my belly...and the wonderment that I'm sure would flash across her face the first time she SEES her little brother or sister move across my belly.  Thinking of the excitement of that final push and the joy of finally seeing that little scrunched up face after 9 months of wondering who the baby looks like, all answered in those first five seconds after birth.

When I DO finally fall asleep, my dreams always contain a second child.  It may be just for a few seconds, or for the whole night, but there is always a second child in the background somewhere...sometimes as a baby, sometimes as a toddler, following Charlee around the house.

It gives me hope, thinking maybe eventually God will see fit to bless us with another miracle baby.  It took so long to conceive and carry a baby.....Charlee was born 3 years, 6 months and 4 days after our wedding, and I was off the pill for 6 months before the wedding.  We conceived this baby without even trying, when Charlee was 19-20 months old.  It was a shock that it happened, especially considering we hadn't even paid attention to the charts or my cycles, etc for over a year.

So, now it's the wait for the doctor to keep up the bloodwork until my hormones are back to "non-pregnant" levels, and then the wait until we're cleared to try again.  Hopefully Charlee will be able to put on that "I'm A Big Sister" again!


About Me

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SAHM to a beautiful, wonderful, miracle princess named Charlee Jean. Married to my high school sweetheart for over 6 years now, and expecting another miracle baby in October 2011