One Week, One Day, 16 hours and 50 minutes

Yup, that's right, I figured it up to the minute.

July 26, 2010 15:34.

I remember seeing the timestamp on the ultrasound as the tech showed us the empty sack that should have contained our 9 week old baby, and instead was just....well......empty.  I remember tears coming to my eyes, but not even being able to cry.

I think I knew before we even got to the office....or maybe it came to me while I sat in that room for an hour looking at that plastic uterus/fetus thing that every office who deals with women seems to have.  I think if you have any complications and are there for a possible miscarriage, they should have some room they take you to that DOESN'T have the explosion of "Wow! We're Pregnant And Want To Know Everything About Our Developing Fetus!!" decor.  Just a thought.

I have handled this miscarriage surprisingly well, and I don't really know why.  Before, I was a mess, crying, screaming....not getting out of bed.  A miserable lump for months afterwards.  But this time is different.  I've had a natural miscarriage, something else new.  It's been hard, and scary to see just what you can develop that quickly.  But for some reason, I haven't retreated to the bedroom with this. I'm sad, obviously, and I feel the ache deep down, something that flares up every now and then when I think about it.  I find myself unable to sleep at night, when before all I DID was sleep.  I lay awake and wonder what could have been, and that's when I feel the sting of my tears.

I picture going through another pregnancy, growing big again, and rubbing that big beach ball belly.  I think of John laying with me at night, talking to my belly, telling baby things about us, just like he did with Charlee.  I can see the amazement and wonder on Charlee's face the first time she feels the baby kick through my belly...and the wonderment that I'm sure would flash across her face the first time she SEES her little brother or sister move across my belly.  Thinking of the excitement of that final push and the joy of finally seeing that little scrunched up face after 9 months of wondering who the baby looks like, all answered in those first five seconds after birth.

When I DO finally fall asleep, my dreams always contain a second child.  It may be just for a few seconds, or for the whole night, but there is always a second child in the background somewhere...sometimes as a baby, sometimes as a toddler, following Charlee around the house.

It gives me hope, thinking maybe eventually God will see fit to bless us with another miracle baby.  It took so long to conceive and carry a baby.....Charlee was born 3 years, 6 months and 4 days after our wedding, and I was off the pill for 6 months before the wedding.  We conceived this baby without even trying, when Charlee was 19-20 months old.  It was a shock that it happened, especially considering we hadn't even paid attention to the charts or my cycles, etc for over a year.

So, now it's the wait for the doctor to keep up the bloodwork until my hormones are back to "non-pregnant" levels, and then the wait until we're cleared to try again.  Hopefully Charlee will be able to put on that "I'm A Big Sister" again!