Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

If we wouldn't have miscarried in July....if this baby would've came on the same schedule as Charlee....I would've been in labor today.  I would be cuddling a new baby as we speak...surrounded by family and friends, and watching the best moment of my life unfold as my first "little" met the newest.
If today is this hard, what will my due date be like?
We are trying for another baby...hoping and dreaming of making Charlee a big sister before she's too much older.
So here we are....waiting and hoping...and taking things one day at a time.
Thanks so much to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers through all of this...I really appreciate it.

Silence

My world stopped turning today, or at least slowed down.  John and I are no longer TTC.  I decided to quit my pills last month instead of taking the last month before starting CLomid.  I wanted at least a chance for us to conceive on our own...just because I wanted both my babies to be "natural" conceptions.  But now tomorrow, I will call to refill my birth control prescription and I will call to cancel my ultrasound, pelvic and other tests I had scheduled to start my Clomid...on New Year's Day.  A new start to a new year...a new hope for a new beginning..a. chance at a new life joining our family.  But now....now it will be a year with just the 3 of us...and a continuance at our 25% success rate at pregnancy.

We are planning to move home this summer, and when that happens, John may get a new job, so he wants us to wait and see what happens.  Wait and see...wait and see....the story of my life it seems.  So now we are postponing the chance at conception for another year.  Add to that the possibility of another 41 months, like it took us to conceive Charlee, and she will be well into kindergarten before I conceive...an age difference that I DO NOT WANT.  I've always wanted my kids close together, so that they at least MIGHT be better together than Katie and I were. :)

We've always discussed that if a second child didn't come in a more timely fashion than Charlee, we probably wouldn't have one.  So, I guess that's an option that I have to heavily consider now...something I never thought I would. 

So, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight and then hug my Charlee-Bear a little tighter tomorrow, and give her an extra kiss and snuggle, and spoil her a little extra.  She is my whole world, held up higher than anyone else in my life, forever and more....and if she is the only child that I get in this lifetime, she is more than enough.

How Time Flies

It's hard to believe it's almost another Christmas...almost the end of another year!
December 17 it will be 6 months since we found out I was carrying another baby.  Last week it was 4 months since we miscarried that baby.  I can't believe it's already been so long.
John and I decided not to do the Clomid yet.  It still makes me too nervous about the unknown factors.  I already have several large cysts on my uterus and ovaries, and Clomid has a very high risk of fast-growing cysts, the reason why I will have to have a monthly ultrasound while I'm on the drug.  If they could guarantee that I would get pregnant again, I would be willing to take the risk, but they can't. 
So, John and I are going to TTC naturally for about 6 months or so.  We are going back to the charting and temping and all that stuff.  If we don't conceive by this summer, then we will go back to the OB/GYN and start the Clomid, but for now, we're just hoping it works itself out.
If we conceived this cycle, we will find out 2 days before Christmas, which would make this one of the best Christmases ever!! But, if/when we do conceive again, we're not announcing it to anyone until after I see a doctor...that way there are no more "public" miscarriages.  This is the only ones our parents have known about it, and that made it even harder.  Hearing my mom burst into sobs on the phone when I called her as we were leaving the doctor's office was one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't want to do it again if at all possible!

Yay for Shutterfly!!!

Shutterfly is running a promo this year that bloggers who participate get 50 free holiday cards. I'm so excited!!
I love using Shutterfly for all our photos, and those of you that know me....and my addiction to pictures of my baby girl...know that that's a lot of pictures.  They always run lots of promotions, and I usually end up getting free pics or free shipping...or BOTH!  Plus, it makes it handy, you don't have to get out to go pick up pictures and I usually ship it in Charlee's name.

She's already learning the joys of online shopping...packages in the mail!!! And like Beth Ann said in her post.....getting mail is always exciting, whether you know it's coming or not :)

It's that wonderful time of the year....weather is getting cooler, and every store you go in is already blaring the Christmas carols...which means it's time to start in on the Christmas cards.  I've found quite a few from Snapfish that I plan on getting this year...which is your favorite?

I love the black background with bright color accents on this one
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-kaleidoscope-holiday-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

This is the style we got last year, and it was a big hit with the family <3
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards/goody-garland-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

And I like this one for a little more "simplistic" design!!
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/gorgeous-gift-tag-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93495

So, head on over to the promo and check it out!!!

After our miscarriage, I thought I had told all my friends. All my family knew, so I figured that most people did. Unfortunately, I found out this weekend that that is NOT the case :(

Last Thursday, we went home to help Nana with her yard sale. Friday morning I woke up in PURE AGONY. Went to the doctor, who gave me a pain shot and sent me to the hospital to have a scan done. Turns out I have kidney stones....well, one BIG one to be exact...so they admitted me. I was there a little over 24 hours, being pumped full of fluids and pain killers, trying to pass the stupid thing, but it didn't work, so they let me go on home.

Since the stone didn't come out, I decided to spend the week with Mom so I had help with Charlee. John came on back home for work, and Charlee, Mimi and I spent the week with Mom and Dad. Everywhere it went, it seemed like there was someone I knew....and 99% of them were people whom I haven't seen since we announced we were pregnant. So.....they all took one look at my belly, and then another look, and then a third, before shooting me a questioning glance.

Not only did I have the pain of my kidney stones, but then on top of it, I had to go through explaining about our miscarriage at least a half dozen times. I'm exhausted, and all I want to do is live in a bubble where things like that don't happen, and every thing goes on happily ever after.

10/15- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

We have a 2 year old, but we should also have a 5 year old and a 4 year old.  We would've been 21 weeks pregnant today.  On this "remembrance" day, I think of the fact I have far more angel babies than real ones.  I wonder why we were chosen to bear this grief in our lives...always wondering what went wrong, and why.  We should have a houseful of babies, and we have just the one.  Don't get me wrong...our one princess is a beautiful, wonderful miracle, but the "what could be" still lingers every day...especially today, on a day MEANT to bring up the memories.

I know that my babies are up in Heaven, and will be waiting for me when my time comes.  I can't wait to hold them, and let them know that even thought we never got to meet, they have always been my babies and always have and always will hold a very special place in my heart.

Some news

We had our follow-up appointment on Friday to get the results back from the blood work my NP ordered three weeks ago.  They checked my hormone levels, thyroid and a few other things.  Since the tests were for "fertility" reasons, I had to see the actual OB this time instead of the NP I've seen ever since I came to this office.
He walked in the room and told me my blood work was all normal and then let it drop.  I jumped up and told him NO, we were getting some answers...I've waited a month for this dang appointment, he's not going to tell me everything is fine when we know it's not!!!
I told him everything that's happened, AGAIN.  He said that since my cycles are so short, I'm most likely not ovulating, and if I'm not ovulating, there's NO chance of conception.  So, he finally said we could try Clomid if we were "that interested in becoming pregnant".  DUH...that's why I was there.
So, I'm on birth control pills for 3 months to get my cycles back on a schedule and then we'll start Clomid.
I've talked to a couple of my friends and an aunt of mine who have all experienced major fertility issues and they said I should also be taking metaformin.  The OB didn't discuss ANYTHING else, just said we'd do Clomid and that was about the extent of the conversation.  After hearing everyone else's stories, I'm starting to feel pretty short-changed by him.  I want someone to answer my questions and discuss this with me....it's pretty much the biggest thing in my life!!
After talking with my friends a little more, I think I'm going to see a reproductive endocrinologist, which is what they all ended up doing to get their best answers.  So, I'm going to get up in the morning and call to see if we can get in to one...hopefully this week while John is on vacation!!!