Wonderful Wednesday

Our wonderful Wednesday gift

Baby Stewart, measuring 1 day behind, so 7weeks 2 days!!!
Everything looked perfect.
We got to see the heart fluttering and got to hear the tiny heartbeat....143 beats per minute.
We are in love!!!!!

Nerves!!!

We are 7weeks and 3 days pregnant now.  My morning sickness started last weekend, but thankfully John was on vacation so he was able to help out :)  I didn't really get SICK, it was ALL heartburn. At first peppermints helped, then that wore out, thee milk helped, then that quit, too.  So I finally called my OB/GYN yesterday and she called in some phenegren and told me to buy a bottle of Pepcid for the heartburn.  All I can say is Pepcid is my new best friend!!! I finally feel like a normal person again!

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound.  I'm so nervous.  I think that everything is okay, I'm feeling sick, my belly is DEFINITELY growing (I've been in maternity jeans since 6wks!) and I still "feel" pregnant.  So, here's to hoping that there is a beautiful little "Bean" in there with a beating heart.  Please pray for us tonight and tomorrow that everything is okay in there!  I will post tomorrow as soon as I get home :)

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my birthday today...the big quarter century mark!!  Went to dinner with John's parents at Texas Roadhouse.  Tomorrow we are going down to my parents' and staying until Sunday.  Dad is taking my Explorer to the shop and getting it fixed for me and we're having my birthday dinner...grilling out and a DQ ice cream cake!!
Now, on to the big news....CHARLEE IS GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER!!!!
I am due October 30, but the OB said that because of the issues that caused me to deliver Charlee early, this baby will probably come on the same schedule, which would put me going into labor on September 27.

We're Making It

Well, I survived what would've been my due date.  I was stuck on the couch all day yesterday because I felt like crap, but I worked on crafts for my Secret Mama Exchange on What to Expect.  I drew a little boy and I'm making him a blanket, I crocheted a basketball and football and stuffed them ...and then I found little trains with letters on them, and bought and painted them to spell out his name :)

I kept busy enough that the pain didn't really hit until after John and Charlee were in bed.  I've been going to bed with John for the past week, but last night I couldn't sleep...and I just needed the alone time.  I cried for awhile and thought about how different our lives would be right now if we had a second baby in the house.

But there are good things happening in our family, and life is looking back up.  School is going good and my first quarter will be over in two weeks...and I'm getting 2 A's and 1 B.  I would've had 3 A's, but there was an issue with submission of a few assignments and my teacher let me re-take the test, but I didn't get the opportunity to re-submit the homework.  Oh well, by letting me redo the test, it brought me up from the F I was getting because of those assignments not being accepted!!!!!

Wednesday is my 25th birthday.  We are finally going to try the Cheesecake Factory <3!!!!  John is on vacation starting Thursday, so we're going to take Charlee to her Mamaw and Papaw's and then John and I are going to Cheesecake Factory and going to see a movie!  I'm looking forward to it :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a hard day, no matter which way we look at it. 
Tomorrow would have been our due date if I hadn't miscarried last July.
We should be holding a newborn baby, and instead we'll be thinking of the what could've been, what should've been....and what is.  I know there is a reason for everything that happens, but that doesn't make my grief any less.
Things have been getting better, and some good news has blessed our family lately.  We found out Nana's cacner is in remission.  She had Stage 4 Colo-Rectal cancer....her doctor told us that there is only a 3% remission rate once it gets that far, and he has NEVER seen anyone over 60 beat it....Nana will be 75 in May :)  My Nana is a strong woman, she beat breast cancer, then it returned and she lost her left breast, but she beat it again....then lung cancer came and she lost the bottom third of her left lung, but she beat that too.  And now this.....the cancer was pretty much everywhere, and now it's just.....NOT.  I think God has great plans for her, and He knows how much we need her around!!!
There is more good news too, but we're waiting to see how things play out before discussing them aloud...so keep an eye out for updates <3

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

If we wouldn't have miscarried in July....if this baby would've came on the same schedule as Charlee....I would've been in labor today.  I would be cuddling a new baby as we speak...surrounded by family and friends, and watching the best moment of my life unfold as my first "little" met the newest.
If today is this hard, what will my due date be like?
We are trying for another baby...hoping and dreaming of making Charlee a big sister before she's too much older.
So here we are....waiting and hoping...and taking things one day at a time.
Thanks so much to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers through all of this...I really appreciate it.

Silence

My world stopped turning today, or at least slowed down.  John and I are no longer TTC.  I decided to quit my pills last month instead of taking the last month before starting CLomid.  I wanted at least a chance for us to conceive on our own...just because I wanted both my babies to be "natural" conceptions.  But now tomorrow, I will call to refill my birth control prescription and I will call to cancel my ultrasound, pelvic and other tests I had scheduled to start my Clomid...on New Year's Day.  A new start to a new year...a new hope for a new beginning..a. chance at a new life joining our family.  But now....now it will be a year with just the 3 of us...and a continuance at our 25% success rate at pregnancy.

We are planning to move home this summer, and when that happens, John may get a new job, so he wants us to wait and see what happens.  Wait and see...wait and see....the story of my life it seems.  So now we are postponing the chance at conception for another year.  Add to that the possibility of another 41 months, like it took us to conceive Charlee, and she will be well into kindergarten before I conceive...an age difference that I DO NOT WANT.  I've always wanted my kids close together, so that they at least MIGHT be better together than Katie and I were. :)

We've always discussed that if a second child didn't come in a more timely fashion than Charlee, we probably wouldn't have one.  So, I guess that's an option that I have to heavily consider now...something I never thought I would. 

So, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight and then hug my Charlee-Bear a little tighter tomorrow, and give her an extra kiss and snuggle, and spoil her a little extra.  She is my whole world, held up higher than anyone else in my life, forever and more....and if she is the only child that I get in this lifetime, she is more than enough.