Half A Year (Plus a few Days)

It's hard to believe our little chunka munka is already past the halfway mark to his first birthday.  It seems like it's only been a few weeks since I had him.  I can say I didn't really get the little tiny snuggle baby like Charlee was, but it's been amazing to actually have a nice, HEALTHY baby!  We had a few weeks of colic, and now we're going through some EXCRUCIATING teething pain, but other than that, we have been exceptionally blessed :)
John had a vasectomy done two months after Dom was born, so it's sad to know there will never be another little baby in the house, but we have our two perfect babies, and I am happy to have them.  After the miscarriages and the fertility issues we've gone through in the last 8.5 years, it is nice to know I don't have to fret over any of it again.

Charlee loves her little brother, so much it amazes me some days.  She helps feed him and change him, and any time he drools or spits up, she runs "to the wescue" as she says it, to clean him up with a burp rag.  She spends hours on the floor with him, talking to him, showing him picture books and telling him stories.  I never knew, never even dreamed, how amazing it would be to see the love between my children.  There is something so amazing about watching Charlee open her whole life up to this little guy who pretty much burst her bubble as the only child and grandchild on both sides.  She still has a little difficulty when the grandparents are around, but even that is lessening a little each day.  I am so proud of my big girl, and love her even more for the way she loves her brother <3

32 weeks 5 days

Baby boy measured in at 4lbs 15oz today, which is right at the top of the charts for this "age".  His length was measuring at 34wks 3 days, so he's a tall boy too..  Maybe he will grow up with a better height advantage than John and I have!

Updates

Just realized it's been 3 months since I posted on here!  Life has been insanely busy!  I'm 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow,

 we moved,

decorated Dom's nursery,

 made the decision to cloth diaper and got all organized for that and have now bought everything we need to be prepared for baby boy's arrival!!!
I have started preparing some meals to freeze so we have a little bit of a stockpile by the time he gets here...that way poor John doesn't have to work all day and then come home and cook!  We've tried a few new recipes, which are AMAZING....We've had 2 new recipes so far and both were definitely approved by all 3 of us, and having another new one tomorrow!  Can't wait to fill up that freezer!

Baby Stewart is a.............................

This post is a week late, but Baby Stewart is a BOY!!!!
John, Charlee and I are over the moon, and I think Daddy is super proud that now he'll have a little man running around the house, a little shadow that DOESN"T have pigtails and bows ;)

Happy Birthday Nana!

Today would've been my Nana's 75th birthday.  We had plans to take her to the Paula Dean's buffet at the casino and have a fun day, but she's celebrating with DeDe Charlie and our angel babies in Heaven this year.  It's a hard day, full of remembering what was and what I wish STILL was today.  It's slowly getting better, but I know there will never be another person that will impact my life the way my Nana did, and I miss her every day.
I think the worst day is yet to come...the day this baby comes.  I LOVED having her at the hospital after Charlee was born, and it will definitely be a bittersweet moment, wishing that Nana could be there to hold this baby too.  But, just like Charlie was "there" when Charlee was born, I know he and Nana will be watching over the birth of this little baby too. <3

Yay!

We were 16 weeks pregnant on Saturday.  My OB and insurance recommended taking 17P (progesterone) shots to help prevent pre-term labor again, so we start those tomorrow.  From now til 35-37 weeks, a home health nurse will come here once a week and give me a shot of hormones to try to keep the placenta doing it's job a little longer, so hopefully this baby stays "baking" a little bit longer than Charlee did.
On a great, exciting note, we have a gender ultrasound scheduled at Early Images this Friday!!!

Baby Bean!

7 weeks, 3 days.  Heartrate 143

10wk 4 days. Heart rate 153

11wk 2 days.  Heartrate 138

Worst Week EVER!

Last weekend when we went home, Nana had just been released from the hospital.  She was unable to sit, stand or lay down by herself...couldn't walk even WITH help, and was just feeling HORRIBLE.  She was home for two days before Mom had to take her back to the hospital.
John helped Mom and Dad get her to the car and we kissed and said good-bye.  I told John when we left that it felt like THE good-bye, and I was terrified I wouldn't see her again.
Sunday Mom said Nana was VERY sick and they were having trouble with a lot of things at the hospital.  Monday she called to say she was even worse and the doctors were discussing timelines.  John was planning to take off Thursday so we could go home for a long weekend.  Tuesday morning, Mom called and said I needed to come home.  I texted John at work and told him to tell them that was his final day for the week, so he did. 
We left almost as soon as he walked through the door and flew down.  When we got to the hospital, Nana was sleeping, and coming in and out.  She never did speak, but when we talked to her (and especially when she heard Charlee) she would grunt or raise her eyebrows.  I told her I loved her and that we were back home and would be there all week for her.
Wednesday morning, I woke up early and when John got up, I told him we had to go straight to the hospital instead of waiting like we'd planned.  So, the three of us got dressed and made the mad dash to the hospital.  We got there at 820 and Mom was coming off the elevator when we got there.  We stopped to talk and she said the doctor said things were bad, and we didn't have much longer.  Just as she was getting ready to go outside to make a call, Katie came flying off the elevator and said we had to come upstairs.  We had to wait FOREVER for the elevator, but we made it back just in time.  We had about 5 minutes with Nana before she passed.
I don't think I have ever cried as hard as I did sitting in that waiting room with John and Charlee.  It felt like my world was falling apart.  We have had the miscarriages and other losses in our life, but nothing like the loss of my Nana.
Then, after finally starting to come to terms with losing her, we had the funeral today, which may have been just as hard as Wednesday.  Somehow that was just the "finale" of it all.  It made it so much more real, and so much more painful.
I know that she is in a better place now, and that we are the only ones in pain.  I am thankful that she went easily and before the pain was too bad.  My Nana meant so much to everyone who knew her, and I just want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support...it means a lot.

We played this song at her funeral...it fits so well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCvgXw-Bh04

Wonderful Wednesday

Our wonderful Wednesday gift

Baby Stewart, measuring 1 day behind, so 7weeks 2 days!!!
Everything looked perfect.
We got to see the heart fluttering and got to hear the tiny heartbeat....143 beats per minute.
We are in love!!!!!

Nerves!!!

We are 7weeks and 3 days pregnant now.  My morning sickness started last weekend, but thankfully John was on vacation so he was able to help out :)  I didn't really get SICK, it was ALL heartburn. At first peppermints helped, then that wore out, thee milk helped, then that quit, too.  So I finally called my OB/GYN yesterday and she called in some phenegren and told me to buy a bottle of Pepcid for the heartburn.  All I can say is Pepcid is my new best friend!!! I finally feel like a normal person again!

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound.  I'm so nervous.  I think that everything is okay, I'm feeling sick, my belly is DEFINITELY growing (I've been in maternity jeans since 6wks!) and I still "feel" pregnant.  So, here's to hoping that there is a beautiful little "Bean" in there with a beating heart.  Please pray for us tonight and tomorrow that everything is okay in there!  I will post tomorrow as soon as I get home :)

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my birthday today...the big quarter century mark!!  Went to dinner with John's parents at Texas Roadhouse.  Tomorrow we are going down to my parents' and staying until Sunday.  Dad is taking my Explorer to the shop and getting it fixed for me and we're having my birthday dinner...grilling out and a DQ ice cream cake!!
Now, on to the big news....CHARLEE IS GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER!!!!
I am due October 30, but the OB said that because of the issues that caused me to deliver Charlee early, this baby will probably come on the same schedule, which would put me going into labor on September 27.

We're Making It

Well, I survived what would've been my due date.  I was stuck on the couch all day yesterday because I felt like crap, but I worked on crafts for my Secret Mama Exchange on What to Expect.  I drew a little boy and I'm making him a blanket, I crocheted a basketball and football and stuffed them ...and then I found little trains with letters on them, and bought and painted them to spell out his name :)

I kept busy enough that the pain didn't really hit until after John and Charlee were in bed.  I've been going to bed with John for the past week, but last night I couldn't sleep...and I just needed the alone time.  I cried for awhile and thought about how different our lives would be right now if we had a second baby in the house.

But there are good things happening in our family, and life is looking back up.  School is going good and my first quarter will be over in two weeks...and I'm getting 2 A's and 1 B.  I would've had 3 A's, but there was an issue with submission of a few assignments and my teacher let me re-take the test, but I didn't get the opportunity to re-submit the homework.  Oh well, by letting me redo the test, it brought me up from the F I was getting because of those assignments not being accepted!!!!!

Wednesday is my 25th birthday.  We are finally going to try the Cheesecake Factory <3!!!!  John is on vacation starting Thursday, so we're going to take Charlee to her Mamaw and Papaw's and then John and I are going to Cheesecake Factory and going to see a movie!  I'm looking forward to it :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a hard day, no matter which way we look at it. 
Tomorrow would have been our due date if I hadn't miscarried last July.
We should be holding a newborn baby, and instead we'll be thinking of the what could've been, what should've been....and what is.  I know there is a reason for everything that happens, but that doesn't make my grief any less.
Things have been getting better, and some good news has blessed our family lately.  We found out Nana's cacner is in remission.  She had Stage 4 Colo-Rectal cancer....her doctor told us that there is only a 3% remission rate once it gets that far, and he has NEVER seen anyone over 60 beat it....Nana will be 75 in May :)  My Nana is a strong woman, she beat breast cancer, then it returned and she lost her left breast, but she beat it again....then lung cancer came and she lost the bottom third of her left lung, but she beat that too.  And now this.....the cancer was pretty much everywhere, and now it's just.....NOT.  I think God has great plans for her, and He knows how much we need her around!!!
There is more good news too, but we're waiting to see how things play out before discussing them aloud...so keep an eye out for updates <3

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

If we wouldn't have miscarried in July....if this baby would've came on the same schedule as Charlee....I would've been in labor today.  I would be cuddling a new baby as we speak...surrounded by family and friends, and watching the best moment of my life unfold as my first "little" met the newest.
If today is this hard, what will my due date be like?
We are trying for another baby...hoping and dreaming of making Charlee a big sister before she's too much older.
So here we are....waiting and hoping...and taking things one day at a time.
Thanks so much to everyone for all the thoughts and prayers through all of this...I really appreciate it.

Silence

My world stopped turning today, or at least slowed down.  John and I are no longer TTC.  I decided to quit my pills last month instead of taking the last month before starting CLomid.  I wanted at least a chance for us to conceive on our own...just because I wanted both my babies to be "natural" conceptions.  But now tomorrow, I will call to refill my birth control prescription and I will call to cancel my ultrasound, pelvic and other tests I had scheduled to start my Clomid...on New Year's Day.  A new start to a new year...a new hope for a new beginning..a. chance at a new life joining our family.  But now....now it will be a year with just the 3 of us...and a continuance at our 25% success rate at pregnancy.

We are planning to move home this summer, and when that happens, John may get a new job, so he wants us to wait and see what happens.  Wait and see...wait and see....the story of my life it seems.  So now we are postponing the chance at conception for another year.  Add to that the possibility of another 41 months, like it took us to conceive Charlee, and she will be well into kindergarten before I conceive...an age difference that I DO NOT WANT.  I've always wanted my kids close together, so that they at least MIGHT be better together than Katie and I were. :)

We've always discussed that if a second child didn't come in a more timely fashion than Charlee, we probably wouldn't have one.  So, I guess that's an option that I have to heavily consider now...something I never thought I would. 

So, I'll cry myself to sleep tonight and then hug my Charlee-Bear a little tighter tomorrow, and give her an extra kiss and snuggle, and spoil her a little extra.  She is my whole world, held up higher than anyone else in my life, forever and more....and if she is the only child that I get in this lifetime, she is more than enough.

How Time Flies

It's hard to believe it's almost another Christmas...almost the end of another year!
December 17 it will be 6 months since we found out I was carrying another baby.  Last week it was 4 months since we miscarried that baby.  I can't believe it's already been so long.
John and I decided not to do the Clomid yet.  It still makes me too nervous about the unknown factors.  I already have several large cysts on my uterus and ovaries, and Clomid has a very high risk of fast-growing cysts, the reason why I will have to have a monthly ultrasound while I'm on the drug.  If they could guarantee that I would get pregnant again, I would be willing to take the risk, but they can't. 
So, John and I are going to TTC naturally for about 6 months or so.  We are going back to the charting and temping and all that stuff.  If we don't conceive by this summer, then we will go back to the OB/GYN and start the Clomid, but for now, we're just hoping it works itself out.
If we conceived this cycle, we will find out 2 days before Christmas, which would make this one of the best Christmases ever!! But, if/when we do conceive again, we're not announcing it to anyone until after I see a doctor...that way there are no more "public" miscarriages.  This is the only ones our parents have known about it, and that made it even harder.  Hearing my mom burst into sobs on the phone when I called her as we were leaving the doctor's office was one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't want to do it again if at all possible!

Yay for Shutterfly!!!

Shutterfly is running a promo this year that bloggers who participate get 50 free holiday cards. I'm so excited!!
I love using Shutterfly for all our photos, and those of you that know me....and my addiction to pictures of my baby girl...know that that's a lot of pictures.  They always run lots of promotions, and I usually end up getting free pics or free shipping...or BOTH!  Plus, it makes it handy, you don't have to get out to go pick up pictures and I usually ship it in Charlee's name.

She's already learning the joys of online shopping...packages in the mail!!! And like Beth Ann said in her post.....getting mail is always exciting, whether you know it's coming or not :)

It's that wonderful time of the year....weather is getting cooler, and every store you go in is already blaring the Christmas carols...which means it's time to start in on the Christmas cards.  I've found quite a few from Snapfish that I plan on getting this year...which is your favorite?

I love the black background with bright color accents on this one
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/retro-kaleidoscope-holiday-card-5x7-flat?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

This is the style we got last year, and it was a big hit with the family <3
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards/goody-garland-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93476

And I like this one for a little more "simplistic" design!!
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/cards-stationery/gorgeous-gift-tag-christmas-5x7-folded-card?sortType=1&storeNode=93495

So, head on over to the promo and check it out!!!

After our miscarriage, I thought I had told all my friends. All my family knew, so I figured that most people did. Unfortunately, I found out this weekend that that is NOT the case :(

Last Thursday, we went home to help Nana with her yard sale. Friday morning I woke up in PURE AGONY. Went to the doctor, who gave me a pain shot and sent me to the hospital to have a scan done. Turns out I have kidney stones....well, one BIG one to be exact...so they admitted me. I was there a little over 24 hours, being pumped full of fluids and pain killers, trying to pass the stupid thing, but it didn't work, so they let me go on home.

Since the stone didn't come out, I decided to spend the week with Mom so I had help with Charlee. John came on back home for work, and Charlee, Mimi and I spent the week with Mom and Dad. Everywhere it went, it seemed like there was someone I knew....and 99% of them were people whom I haven't seen since we announced we were pregnant. So.....they all took one look at my belly, and then another look, and then a third, before shooting me a questioning glance.

Not only did I have the pain of my kidney stones, but then on top of it, I had to go through explaining about our miscarriage at least a half dozen times. I'm exhausted, and all I want to do is live in a bubble where things like that don't happen, and every thing goes on happily ever after.

10/15- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

We have a 2 year old, but we should also have a 5 year old and a 4 year old.  We would've been 21 weeks pregnant today.  On this "remembrance" day, I think of the fact I have far more angel babies than real ones.  I wonder why we were chosen to bear this grief in our lives...always wondering what went wrong, and why.  We should have a houseful of babies, and we have just the one.  Don't get me wrong...our one princess is a beautiful, wonderful miracle, but the "what could be" still lingers every day...especially today, on a day MEANT to bring up the memories.

I know that my babies are up in Heaven, and will be waiting for me when my time comes.  I can't wait to hold them, and let them know that even thought we never got to meet, they have always been my babies and always have and always will hold a very special place in my heart.

Some news

We had our follow-up appointment on Friday to get the results back from the blood work my NP ordered three weeks ago.  They checked my hormone levels, thyroid and a few other things.  Since the tests were for "fertility" reasons, I had to see the actual OB this time instead of the NP I've seen ever since I came to this office.
He walked in the room and told me my blood work was all normal and then let it drop.  I jumped up and told him NO, we were getting some answers...I've waited a month for this dang appointment, he's not going to tell me everything is fine when we know it's not!!!
I told him everything that's happened, AGAIN.  He said that since my cycles are so short, I'm most likely not ovulating, and if I'm not ovulating, there's NO chance of conception.  So, he finally said we could try Clomid if we were "that interested in becoming pregnant".  DUH...that's why I was there.
So, I'm on birth control pills for 3 months to get my cycles back on a schedule and then we'll start Clomid.
I've talked to a couple of my friends and an aunt of mine who have all experienced major fertility issues and they said I should also be taking metaformin.  The OB didn't discuss ANYTHING else, just said we'd do Clomid and that was about the extent of the conversation.  After hearing everyone else's stories, I'm starting to feel pretty short-changed by him.  I want someone to answer my questions and discuss this with me....it's pretty much the biggest thing in my life!!
After talking with my friends a little more, I think I'm going to see a reproductive endocrinologist, which is what they all ended up doing to get their best answers.  So, I'm going to get up in the morning and call to see if we can get in to one...hopefully this week while John is on vacation!!!